08:45 am
John McCain’s Handy Guide to the World
After John McCain had absolutely no clue who the prime minister of Spain was, even though he was talking to a freaking Spanish radio station, I thought it would be useful to share with our readers a guide to John McCain’s world.
Here is a list of countries that John McCain cares about. Future interviewers are advised to limit their questions to this list.
1. Countries the United States has invaded:
- Vietnam
- Iraq
- Afghanistan
- The Confederacy
2. Countries that he thinks the United States should invade:
- Iran
- Russia
- Pakistan
- Hell (but only if Osama lives there).
3. Countries that hate our values and our way of life:
- China
- North Korea
- Bolivia
- Venezuela
- The Hamas-controlled part of Palestine
- Cuba
- France
- Hawaii (too exotic)
4. Countries near countries that we’ve invaded, want to invade, or hate us:
- Syria
- Jordan
- Thailand
- The PLO-controlled part of Palestine
- Cambodia
- Ukraine
5. Countries his dad fought against in World War II:
- Japan
- Italy
- Germany
6. Countries that speak English:
- Great Britain
- Canada
- Australia
- Alaska
7. Countries that have been invaded by other countries we’ve invaded, should attack, or hate our values:
- Georgia
- Kuwait
- Poland
- Czechoslovakia
- The Union
8. Countries on our side in the war on drugs:
- Mexico
- Colombia
- Latin America
9. Israel
10. Israel
11. Have I mentioned Israel?
That’s about it. The rest of the world, well, as far as he’s concerned, they’re all Georgians too.