08:55 am
Diplospeak Translator: W Talks about His Asia Trip
So President Bush met with the foreign-language press on Wednesday. They had a contest to see who could do a better job of mangling the English language.
Now calm down. I’m kidding of course. President Bush can mangle English better than anybody.
In any case, we have a special edition of the Diplospeak Translator today: it’s one part DT and one part Bushisms. The latter are underlined. And as is usually the case, we bring you only the choicest cuts:
DUBYA: As you all know, the itinerary is South Korea, Thailand and then China. China will be a mix of — South Korea will be all diplomacy; get a chance to see my friend, the President; a good discussion about common issues. I’ll see the Prime Minister of Thailand for a nice dinner.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I really like the Thai food. Especially those chicken on a stick thingies. Chinese, not so much — except the King Kong Chicken.
DUBYA: Relations with the three nations that I have just described are good, strong. My trip will help advance them, the relations.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I kinda lost my train of thought there. What were we talkin’ about?
DUBYA: And I’ll also be giving a speech in Thailand about our foreign policy in the Far East, where I will be leaving this foreign policy in six months.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: ‘Cause you know I gotta hide my foreign policy somewhere, so I figgered why not somewhere in Bangkok? That Obama guy will never look for it there, heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
DUBYA: Part of the reason that I’m stopping in South Korea prior to going to the Olympics — I mean, one could have attempted just to go straight to the Olympics, but I want to come to South Korea.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Beef: it’s what’s for dinner, whether the Koreans like it or not. And if they don’t, well, just remember: don’t mess with Texas.
DUBYA: [I]f I were Thailand, I’d be asking, what about us, will you remember other nations? And the answer is, absolutely.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: You’re the guys who make that Bling Bling Chicken, right?
DUBYA: Who would have ever thought that Japan would have forces in Iraq?
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I was gonna declare war on ‘em but then Condi told me they were on our side.
DUBYA: I’ve got personal relationships with the leaders [in China] where I can sit down and say, here’s my point of view; what is yours? And if we have a common problem, let’s work it out.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I was able to look that Hu Jintao feller in the eyes. I was able to get a sense of his soul. Oh wait, that was Putin.
DUBYA: You ask how has the relationship [with China] evolved. The crisis of my administration, the first crisis, was the EP3. And it was like, oh, man, this is unbelievable.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I kept asking my advisors how China got EP30 and where R2D2 was but nobody would answer me.
DUBYA: And it — I will tell you — and frankly, it took a while to get phone calls returned and we were just trying to get information.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I dialed 411 and asked for China and then ordered me some of that Ding Dong Chicken.
DUBYA: And so never can the foreign policy be viewed as zero sum. It’s always got to be viewed as additive.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I hate it when they put that monosudafed whatchamajigger additive in my Ding-a-Ling Chicken.
DUBYA: As you know, I’m a believer in human dignity and human rights. I discuss it with all leaders.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I tell ‘em, “Do as I say and not as we do.” Works real good too.
DUBYA: And I’ll have a bilateral with Hu Jintao, which I’m looking forward to. I enjoy the man. I find him to be a straightforward guy, I’m very comfortable in his presence, and we will talk about the kinds of issues we always talk about.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: We’ll sit down a big ol’ plate of Ping Pong Chicken and I’ll beg him not to foreclose on the American economy.
DUBYA: And I think when people study my presidency and find out how Bush conducted foreign policy, they’ll see I don’t shy away from things; I am not a shy person.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: If I were shy, would I have started all these here wars?
DUBYA: Yes, last question. I’ve got to go to the electronic media, with people who have got beautiful faces.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: You guys are uglier than a pile of Falun Gong Chicken.