08:55 am
Diplospeak Translator: Bush’s “Freedom Agenda”
You probably missed it, but President Bush went over to the US Agency for International Development (USAID) on Thursday in order to give a big ol’ speech on his “Freedom Agenda,” whatever that is.
I was invited to attend, but I’d rather have my toenails staple-gunned to my forehead that listen to Bush prattle on about how much he’s done for human rights. If you look closely enough at this photo, you can almost see the beacon of freedom shining down on the smirk of hubris and denial.
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put his speech through the Diplospeak Translator. And to save you the trouble of poking out your eyes with a sharp stick, I’ve included only the best parts.
BUSH: I believe America is the hope for the world because we are a nation that stands strongly for freedom. We believe every man, woman, and child is given the gift of liberty by our Creator.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I like to start a speech with a dollop of Whitney Houston, followed by a splash of Thomas Jefferson.
BUSH: Over the years, different Presidents… have acted to defend and advance the cause of liberty. These actions included bold policies such as the Lend-Lease Act, the Marshall Plan, the Berlin Airlift, the creation of NATO and the Voice of America, support for freedom fighters in Central America, and the liberation of Grenada and Panama.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Democrats brought you Lend-Lease, the Marshall Plan, the Berlin Airlift, NATO, and VOA. Republicans brought you ummm… wait a second… oh, I know! Iran-Contra and the Pirates of the Caribbean movies!
BUSH: At the dawn of a new century, our belief in the universality of freedom is being challenged once again.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: I am…. We are…. ERROR ERROR ERROR ANALYZE ERROR
Uh-oh. I think he broke the translator. Who exactly is challenging “our belief in the universality of freedom”? I mean, are Americans flocking to Al Qaeda? Joining the Nazi party? Becoming Maoists? Who writes this drivel?
Okay, let’s try again.
BUSH: [T]o protect America, we must defeat the ideology of hatred by spreading the hope of freedom.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Spreading the hope of freedom? Is he talking about foreign policy or sunblock? I’d like the SPF 45 hope of freedom, please.
BUSH: Since 9/11, we recognized that we’re at war and we must stop new attacks before they happen — not wait until after they happen. So we’re giving our intelligence and law enforcement and homeland security professionals the tools they need to stop terrorists before they strike again.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: The best way to spread freedom to others is to torture, wiretap, suspend habeas corpus, and place as many other limits on freedom here at home that we can get away with.
BUSH: We’re putting pressure on the enemy. We’ve captured or killed thousands of terrorists — including most of those responsible for the September the 11th attacks.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Except the guys that matter, of course. Those we let get away.
BUSH: In the long run, though, the best way to defeat the terrorists is to offer a hopeful alternative to their murderous ideology — and that alternative is based on human liberty.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Hey kids, try human liberty 2.0! Fewer liberties but more fun! It’s hopeful! It’s an alternative! Why are you laughing?
BUSH: We’ve seen that free societies don’t harbor terrorists, or launch unprovoked attacks on their neighbors.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Our free society doesn’t harbor terrorists — it tortures them. It doesn’t launch unprovoked attacks on neighbors — it launches unprovoked attacks on countries that are on the other side of the world.
BUSH: Combating hopelessness is in America’s security interests, because the only way our enemies can recruit people to their dark ideology is to exploit distress and despair.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: And let’s face it: there’s nothing like photos of us humiliating people to generate hopelessness, distress, and despair.
BUSH: In the years ahead, America must continue to lead the fight against global hunger. Nobel Prize winner Norman Borlaug once said: “You can’t build peace on empty stomachs.”
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Hey, is it time for lunch yet?
BUSH: In the years ahead, America must continue to lead the cause of human rights. The Soviet dissident Andrei Amalrik once compared a tyrannical state to a soldier who holds a rifle on his enemy, until his arms finally tire and the prisoner escapes. It’s important we never strengthen the arms.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Unless, of course, the arms belong to our CIA interrogators. Then we definitely should strengthen them. Maybe through a good diet, aerobic exercise and weight-training regimen?
BUSH: The role of free nations like ours is to put pressure on the arms of the world’s tyrants.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Does anyone have any idea what the hell I’m talking about here?
BUSH: The challenge for future presidents and future Congresses is to ensure that America always stands with those seeking freedom — and never hesitates to shine the light of conscience on abuses of human rights across the world.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: But whatever you do, keep that light of conscience away from Dick Cheney. It makes him really cranky.
BUSH: This morning, I have a message for all those throughout the world who languish in tyranny: I know there are moments when it feels like you’re alone in your struggle…. Millions of our citizens stand with you, and hope still lives — even in bleak places and in dark moments.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Please please please stop cheering Obama when he comes to visit your country. It’s killing us back here.
Image courtesy of The White House.
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