08:56 am
Diplospeak Translator: Licensed to (Kim Jong) Il
Okay boys and girls, time for the Diplospeak Translator! Today, we’re featuring remarks by The Condi during her press availability yesterday.
These took place after the “Informal Six-Party Ministerial,” which is apparently what we call meetings with Axis of Evil member new strategic partner North Korea. Because if they were formal, The Condi would have to get a dress and a corsage and everything, and Kim Jong Il would show up in one of those really hideous powder-blue polyester tuxes from the 1970s. And nobody wants that.
So here’s what she had to say:
THE CONDI: Look, it was a good meeting, no surprises. It was just an informal opportunity.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: By “no surprises,” I mean that Kim Jong Il didn’t show up in his pajamas ranting about strategic parity and toting a bazooka. If that guy ever asks me out again, I swear I’m gonna drop the big one on him myself.
THE CONDI: I think everybody essentially confirmed the September agreement, confirmed the October 2007 agreement, confirmed that we need to move ahead rapidly to finish phase two obligations; a lot of discussion of the verification protocol and the importance of the verification protocol; a call to have better bilateral relations among the various parties.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Maybe if I say “verification” often enough, nobody will notice that I’m not actually saying anything. Especially John Bolton. God, I hope he doesn’t start moaning about “intellectual collapse” again.
THE CONDI: And I thought it was – you know, the atmosphere was actually very good. The Chinese did a really excellent job of running the meeting, and I think they are very focused on moving forward. And I think they would like to have a more formal ministerial at some point, but no one – we didn’t commit to a date for that, although we said we would.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: If I say enough nice things about the Chinese, maybe they’ll agree to sit on these whackjobs a little longer. We didn’t set a new date because we really can’t stand these guys and we’re hoping we can fob this off on the next Administration.
THE CONDI: …I don’t want to go, you know, into detail about what everybody said, just to say there weren’t any surprises. But it wasn’t – you know, it wasn’t a standoff with people just stating their positions. I think we had probably three or four rounds of comments. So, you know, the initial – very often, these things, the initial thing is people read a statement. But a couple of people didn’t and then there were several – it was interactive. It wasn’t just people making statements, which is good.
DIPLOSPEAK TRANSLATOR: Absolutely nothing important happened. In fact, nobody said or did anything important, but I can’t really admit that. And good lord, the North Koreans just droned on an on and on forever.
One more thing about this transcript. It featured yet another mind-boggingly stupid question from the press corps:
SPOKESMAN SEAN MCCORMACK: Okay, guys.
QUESTION: Oh, one more thing.
THE CONDI: Yes.
QUESTION: Did you shake hands with the –
THE CONDI: Yes.
QUESTION: I didn’t see it.
THE CONDI: With the North Korean –
QUESTION: With the North Korean, you shook hands with him? And –
THE CONDI: Twice.
QUESTION: Twice?
THE CONDI: Yes.
Ewww. She might get cooties or something. It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for The Condi. Almost.
Folks, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
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